It's time. I'm coming clean.
Eight months ago I felt a cool fog creeping its way up to the ankles of my life, my thoughts, and into my heart. Seven months ago the fog began to thicken and its chill was felt increasingly higher. Three months ago I all but gave up; I'd been fighting-so hard-this darkness that I felt surrounding me and at once decided sinfully and apathetically it simply would not lift. One month ago I was overcome, completely overwhelmed by a person I didn't know, thoughts I was entirely ashamed of, and cravings for the things that in my heart I knew were anything but pleasing to the Lord.
Today, by the Lord's sweet and merciful hand of grace, I'm seeing light again. I'm feeling rays of His presence on the surface of my heart again.
No, He never left.
The Lord is so faithful, so generous. As a child stamping their feet, rebelling, demanding answers selfishly and irrationally-I was. I genuinely and authentically desired the closeness again that I had always known with my heavenly Father whilst knowingly pocketing cherished sin in my own heart. God's word is so very clear that our sin must be repented of, and it is what separates us from the Lord, and through His sweet love I was able.
I've debated whether or not I'm going to share this publicly or tuck it away. But this life is not about existing amongst one another in perfection; no. It's about sharing in our joys and in our sorrows, in our blessings and in our ordained sufferings, our laughter and our tears. So ladies, I'm taking down my wall and I'm asking you to share in my repentance, as I resolve to make many much needed changes within my heart.
to let the Lord be my shield (Psalm 3:3-5), to let not the thoughts and lies of the enemy penetrate my daily life, but to wash myself in the truths of scripture. This includes rejecting my tendency for any level of self-pity, and in sadly selfish cases: apathy. I resolve to not dwell on my weaknesses an individual, for where I am weak He is strong. (2 Cor. 12:9)
to "Eat not the bread of idleness" (Proverbs 31:12-27). The preceding months have taught me many things, one of which is this: "Idleness is but the devil's home for temptation, and for unprofitable, distracting musings...I have known grievous, despairing melancholy cured and turned into a life of godly cheerfulness, principally by setting upon constancy and diligence in the business of families and callings." -Richard Baxter.
to not allow the ebb and flow of low or high self-esteem determine my self worth; I will not compare myself to to women around me, their abilities or my lack of (Phil 2:3) (Phil 4:8) (Psalm 139:14)
to rejoice always (1 Thess. 5:16), serve the Lord with gladness (Psalm 100:2), and count my afflictions as joy (James 1:2).
to be conscientious and aware of my duties, taking care of and nurturing that which God has given me-This includes not only my home and domestic duties but also my body in the way I eat, exercise, rest, and conduct my days. Meeting my daily tasks with faith, and not discouragement. Joy, and not burden. Generosity, and not selfishness. (Proverbs 31:10-31)
to be a wife that shows my husband the gospel. A wife that fervently prays for the man that leads me and one day our family. A wife that diligently and earnestly seeks opportunity to serve. A helpmate that willingly and joyfully puts her spouse before herself. And a wife who moment by moment makes the decision to glorify God in her marriage, rather than herself. (1 Tim. 1:17) (Eph. 5)
to never again slip into the dangerous waters of feeling confident in my own ability to accomplish any of these tasks aside from the constant and necessary intervention of the work of the Cross. (1 Tim. 1:15)
Though the obvious truth is that many more resolutions than just these will need to be made over the course of this life, this is where I'm starting and from here I will begin the next season.