Capture Your Grief, Day 10: Words

Day 10: Words

re·lease

verb; rəˈlēs/

1. Allow or enable to escape from confinement; to set free

2. Allow (something) to move, act, or flow freely.

synonyms: free, set free, let go/out, allow to leave, liberate

antonyms: control, impression, restrain, collect, repress.

At the beginning of the year the ladies in our small group challenged each other to pick a word for their year either instead of or in addition to the resolution of their choice. The concept from the book 'One word that will change your life' encourages you to chose a word that you will hold onto over the course of the year and use to intentionally seek out a common theme in each situation. The word that immediately surfaced on my heart when we were discussing this idea was Release; God had been taking me on a journey the previous year of learning how to give up the illusion of control I thought I had, to forgive, to move forward, to allow myself to heal, to release. The amazing thing about actually choosing a word is that it was a simple way to center myself and remember what I need to be learning from the situation in front of me. I have fought a lifelong battle with negative thoughts, fear, and anxiety; having a trigger word that I've learned to automatically respond to with scripture and prayer has been revolutionary in the way I've approached struggle in my life. Learning to release will be a lifelong war for me, it will be for all of us because of our desire to hold tightly and control. But little by little I can feel my hand open a bit more here and a bit more there, and I am grateful. The majority of 2014 before my first pregnancy God was pressing and pressing me to embrace the importance of my smallness and to release my need for control. Months and months went by, and I'm embarrassed to say I think there was a part of me that thought I understood it. But in the days following our first loss I learned more about what it meant to release control than I had the entire year prior. The books, the Bible studies, the sermons - they were all incredible and good things...but nothing can teach you to release control better than a situation when you realize you have none. I believe in sovereignty. I believe fully that God uses our trials to teach us and grow us (James 1:2-4), I believe that the puzzle pieces fit where they fall for a divine reason. I have had to learn to release my expectations -for myself, for others, for my plans and desires, to release my need for validation in areas other than in Christ only. I've had to learn to release my fear of the future, release the pain of my past, release myself from a cycle of gracelessness within my own heart towards my body and my ability physically to start a family. I've had to learn to release my anger, my anxiety, and my hurt that when not maintained piles high in my heart. I have had to learn to release this world, and to hope for the next. I have had to learn, and am still learning, to let go, to set free, to release.