Day 13: Regrets and Triggers
I've noticed over this last year that the list of what doesn't 'trigger' an emotional response is far shorter than the list of things that do. As any mother in waiting seeing pregnant women, going to baby showers, scrolling through pregnancy announcements on Facebook and seeing my due date on a calendar are all things that make my heart heavy. These haven't gotten easier, in fact as the months go by they prove to be more and more difficult, but in some way I've learned to prepare myself for them. You learn to cope and to guard your heart, to buy gift cards instead of sort through infant clothes at Target, to muster up genuine joy for friends as they begin or add to their families instead of the jealousy that begs for the spotlight in your heart. I am grateful, however, to say that because of my faith and because of the fact that our God is a sovereign God and makes no mistakes, that I have few regrets. Some days I fall into the dance between regret and sorrow, wishing I'd have known more or appreciated the innocence when it was mine... But ultimately I know that it wouldn't have mattered if I took more prenatal vitamins, if I would have stayed home from work the day I noticed something was wrong, if I'd have timed things better this month or that month...My life, my story, is not by chance. I have an almighty, all knowing, loving, and sovereign God who has a plan for me and our family. So yes, I have triggers- I have good days and bad days, happy days and sad ones, but no... I am able to say that regret holds no place in my heart. I will be a better mother someday, whenever that day comes, because of the lessons my littles have taught me..Not all, but most days, it is gratitude not regret that I feel, not because of anything I've done, but because of the grace God's shown me and continues to show me in my journey towards motherhood.