Today I'm supposed to write about my wishes for myself, about what I wish to receive from others on this journey, about what I wish to say. I'm overwhelmed by the many ways this could be interpreted; part of why this 'guided vulnerability' has been working for me is that it gives me a sense of direction each day rather than leaving me to my own devices. When the daily topics lean towards the ambiguous like today's, I struggle to gather my thoughts into something formulated and concise. I wish so many things. I wish I had a three month old in my arms from my first pregnancy. I wish my heart didn't feel so heavy so often, and I wish that I could get out of the glass box I feel like I'm in half of the time. I wish I was trying all kinds of crazy home remedies to induce the labor of my second pregnancy as my due date nears. I wish starting a family didn't involved filling prescriptions and getting blood drawn every month. I wish I didn't have to wish these things. Ultimately though, when I am able to gather myself and step outside of the questioning and the sorrow, I wish to be better because of it all. I wish - I pray, that through this all God will continue to teach me to love more deeply, to thank more often, to hold more tightly, to trust more completely, to release more quickly, and to wait more patiently. Prior to my first pregnancy I prayed fervently that God would use the time in waiting to help me grow into the woman he wanted me to be for our Children. And on the days that my heart is weary and my spirit is broken, I can feel him gently tap me on the shoulder and remind me that I am still called to glorify him in my waiting - no matter how long it takes or what season I find myself in. We will always be waiting for something, my wish is that God can teach me to trust him and be content wherever he sees fit to place me and that I would learn to chase him and nothing else.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.
"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord"